I SINCERELY HOPE NO ONE READS THIS SHIT. BUT YEA I'M POSTING IT TO PUBLIC BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING HYPOCRITE.

I always have this strange habit that whenever I sense something is not going the way exactly how I want, I can't help but ending it when it is still perfectly fine at the time. Now I have that feeling again. But I know that last time I ended my relationship when it is still pitch perfect, I felt like crap for two whole years after that. So I'm in a huge dilemma now, being super indecisive of whether ending it or not.
Yes, I know what I have right now it totally not on the same level with the one I had before. But I still want it to go better. I kinda want it to be a thing (you can't have it all, bitch!). Especially after seeing all the sweet pictures of Mr. Lo and his girl from this weekend. I feel like what I'm doing to myself now is a complete fucking joke.
I know from deep down inside that guys would do or say ANYTHING, any-fucking-thing, to get laid. And I also know it is exactly what Phil has been doing all this time. How can I fool myself that maybe he cares when he only asks me to go over to his place at nigh but never asked me to have dinner or movie together. Bitches are so easy to get hooked on with some stupid sweet words that make them feel special. Come to the reality woman, he would say way sweeter things to just about any girls as long as he gets what he wants. It makes me feel so cheap when I realize he only calls me when he needs it. Am I a free hooker to you or what??
I know I'm being ridiculous and I don't even like him that way or that much. But I feel like I'm in the vulnerable period of time that I really need some "relationship" thingy to distract me from being unreasonable.
I really want to yell at him: "Fuck you, you son of a bitch! You are just a piece of fucking shit! And you will never have a girl love you for real and you will fucking end up being a fucking loser who only knows how to get high from your fucking weed!" But nope, since we agreed that we are not in a relationship or anything, I have absolute no right to judge him of doing anything I don't like. But at the same time I was like, if I don't get money for opening my legs, I got to have something, right?!
So I really hate how twisted it is right now for me. I feel so used by him sometimes. I want to end it just because I'm not getting anything but sex (which I know is not a bad thing). But 贱人就是矫情(a famous line from a Chinese drama), they always want more. And I am being that hypocritical bitch right now. I mean, why can't I just enjoy pure sex as he does. If he can stay in a no-string-attached relationship, so could I technically.
So pretty much why I'm whining in here is because I don't know what to do or what I want. I don't want to repeat the mistake again. I don't want to end up having nothing and feel like a fucking loner after all. At least I have someone to flirt with constantly and good sex.
I guess FWB is a healthy relationship too in someway. So if I won't end up loving him (or anyone) anyway, this is the best I could have for now, honestly.

About Humiliation, Anger and Not Being a Coward but Just to Avoid Confrontation

Dear Mr. Lo

So you really think you can get away with the two drinks you owe me like this?? You've. Got. To. Be. Shitting. Me! I'm totally ready to fuck you over when I see you at the bar with whoever the cunt you're dating. And I'm so gonna invite her to our frat party this semester. If she dares to come just because she knows our cute social chair. I swear I will screw the shit out of her in our house.
And you know what? Don't act like you care. Because you don't! It will only disgust me to guts when you text me being all caring and sweet while you are sleeping with that bitch from the slut-rority. Sorry (and not sorry), but honestly I never regret rejecting you. Cuz I never wanted to be your girlfriend whatsoever! So... Mr. Narcissism, good luck with your AEI competition this year and you are so gonna lose it! Sucker!!
You said you were sorry about asking me to admit I was crazy about you?! Come on... you are so not sorry about what you've done to me. You don't give a crap! You felt bad probably just because you were a little drunk when you text me expecting I would put a fucking crown on your head and pray you?! Kiss my ass, you fucker!
Oh, and just FYI, I really don't give a flying fuck of who the fuck are you fucking now. So give me a break, would you?! You can now officially go fuck yourself and leave me alone!

XOXO

Laura

CONFUSION ABOUT MY EARLY TWENTIES

So this guy whom I never thought I'd be attracted to even for a minute, somehow hurt my feeling.

We literally didn't know each other until spring semester last year, even tho we've been classmates for three years already by then. I guess one of the reasons is that he is not the kind of guy I'd notice.

It is still a mystery to me why he became interested in me the very first time we talked to each other. I then knew from his friend that he was particularly interested in Asian girls. But it doesn't make a lot sense to me that he'd fall for any random Asian girl at the first sight he comes across with. Anyway, we went out to the bar the first night we got to know each other. Ever since then he became a huge fan of me.

Then he kept asking me out during the rest of the semester. One night after we went to the bar, he kissed me by surprise when he walked me home. I admit, he is hell of a kisser! I liked it! He texted me the next day and made sure a couple times if I was ok with the kiss. What a sweet pie!

It was towards the busy time of the semester after that so we didn't really hang out much. Then it came the summer and I went to study abroad in Italy. We didn't catch up on each other for almost an entire summer. I thought his crush should be over then. But he texted me the first week we were back at school and told me he'd like to see me.

Honestly, I was quite happy about it that his feeling for me wasn't just a short term crush. Whoa! Wait a minute, was I interested in him at that time already?? Anyhow, we started going out again and... yup... I slept with him... twice.

Well, I was pretty drunk the first time, although I knew exactly what I was doing. But I haven't had sex for so long at the time, so it wasn't a complete accident. I never dealt with a situation like that before so it was a bit awkward for me to handle the whole sex incident with him. But secretly, I like it. He was good, to be honest. (Way better than my ex, lol!)

We had a class trip to Chicago that year. Our class is big so half of us take that trip in fall semester and the other half in spring. He actually failed to register for the one in the fall at first. But after figuring out me and most his buddies were in the fall trip, he somehow managed to get in that class together with us after all. While we were in Chicago, we went to some clubs and made out very hardcore every night in the windy city. I'm not gonna lie-- I loved it!  I was really happy that he eventually made it with me in the same semester or I know I wouldn't love that trip as much. It was quite funny that the first time we met each other was during our class trip as well.

So we hooked up a couple times that semester and I was happy about what we were but I forgot he might want more than that.

The next semester he started asking me out for dinner, like a date. I thought we would just go to some place like Penera and grab a bite or maybe even Chili's to sit down for a margarita. But he actually took me to the most legit tavern in town and sat down for a real badass dinner. I was a little scared by that. He seemed to be so serious about it but I wasn't ready. Or I simply didn't want to be ready.

Although he was not happy that I turned him down the second time he asked me out for a dinner date, we still texted a lot. And he is always so sweet to me. God I enjoyed all the flirting with him! I liked it that he kept calling me sweetheart and honey in the texts. I don't know if that means I like him the same way as well, or I just liked the idea I was special to someone.

However we didn't talk much, if at all, in the last 2 to 3 weeks of the semester. Partly because I was mad busy and I know he was as well, since we are in the same crazy major. But being in different options, I spent all my time in the computer lab while he stayed in the studio the whole time (and second year stay in the studio all the time as well, and that's how he got his new girl...) I need to be frank to myself, I kinda missed him. And he owes me some drink because of some stupid bet we had at the beginning of the semester. So I asked him out after final.

"Wow, this is the first time you ask me out, darling!" this is how he replied me.

But he didn't try to contact me at all when we suppose to meet up. That was new. So I texted him when I got to the bar. He told me he just got kicked out and he didn't think he'd be able to come back. I started sense that something's going on. I wasn't happy that for some reason he didn't seem to be excited about meeting me at all. I didn't want to make a fool out of myself so I stayed with my friends in that bar for the night. He texted me very late that night telling me he was at another bar and I could go to meet him if I want. But I can feel it that he wasn't sincere about it.

The very next day, I bumped into him with a girl at school. I didn't see them at all if he didn't call me up cuz they were lying on the grass and I wasn't looking at their direction. I walked up to them and he introduced to me the girl sitting with him, a second-year in our major who happens to be in a sorority that I don't like. He explained a little bit how he didn't get to meet me the night before and he told me to let him know if I'd go out again that night. Well, thanks for being polite, asshole! And no, I won't tell you! Because first, you didn't really mean it. And second, I needed to get real drunk!

An hour after I met them on the lawn, he posted a dozen pictures of their happy selfies on facebook. At that night, he changed his profile picture as one of them. The same time, I deleted my facebook app from my iPhone to avoid seeing that disturbing profile pic. (I didn't mean to be so dramatic, but he posts a lot status and I'm addicted to checking facebook all the time). Two days later, they changed their relationship status.

I admire people like that so much from the bottom of my heart. How can you possibly be able to commit yourself in a relationship and seem so in love two weeks after you told someone else that you missed her and you wanted to hangout. To anyone like this, you have my full respect! And I mean no sarcasm.

We never talked ever since. Until last weekend, he suddenly texted me asking if I was going back to town for art fest (an art festival which students turn into a drinking event when people come back to school in the middle of the summer and drink through the weekend). I told him I was, then he asked me to hang out and I said ok. We bullshit a little bit and he told me it would be so good seeing me then.

I smiled.