I always have this strange habit that whenever I sense something is not going the way exactly how I want, I can't help but ending it when it is still perfectly fine at the time. Now I have that feeling again. But I know that last time I ended my relationship when it is still pitch perfect, I felt like crap for two whole years after that. So I'm in a huge dilemma now, being super indecisive of whether ending it or not.
Yes, I know what I have right now it totally not on the same level with the one I had before. But I still want it to go better. I kinda want it to be a thing (you can't have it all, bitch!). Especially after seeing all the sweet pictures of Mr. Lo and his girl from this weekend. I feel like what I'm doing to myself now is a complete fucking joke.
I know from deep down inside that guys would do or say ANYTHING, any-fucking-thing, to get laid. And I also know it is exactly what Phil has been doing all this time. How can I fool myself that maybe he cares when he only asks me to go over to his place at nigh but never asked me to have dinner or movie together. Bitches are so easy to get hooked on with some stupid sweet words that make them feel special. Come to the reality woman, he would say way sweeter things to just about any girls as long as he gets what he wants. It makes me feel so cheap when I realize he only calls me when he needs it. Am I a free hooker to you or what??
I know I'm being ridiculous and I don't even like him that way or that much. But I feel like I'm in the vulnerable period of time that I really need some "relationship" thingy to distract me from being unreasonable.
I really want to yell at him: "Fuck you, you son of a bitch! You are just a piece of fucking shit! And you will never have a girl love you for real and you will fucking end up being a fucking loser who only knows how to get high from your fucking weed!" But nope, since we agreed that we are not in a relationship or anything, I have absolute no right to judge him of doing anything I don't like. But at the same time I was like, if I don't get money for opening my legs, I got to have something, right?!
So I really hate how twisted it is right now for me. I feel so used by him sometimes. I want to end it just because I'm not getting anything but sex (which I know is not a bad thing). But 贱人就是矫情(a famous line from a Chinese drama), they always want more. And I am being that hypocritical bitch right now. I mean, why can't I just enjoy pure sex as he does. If he can stay in a no-string-attached relationship, so could I technically.
So pretty much why I'm whining in here is because I don't know what to do or what I want. I don't want to repeat the mistake again. I don't want to end up having nothing and feel like a fucking loner after all. At least I have someone to flirt with constantly and good sex.
I guess FWB is a healthy relationship too in someway. So if I won't end up loving him (or anyone) anyway, this is the best I could have for now, honestly.
No comments:
Post a Comment